I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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