i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
