But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
