youre lurking in front of me
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
