I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
