I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
