i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
