Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
