Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
