Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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