The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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