I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
