If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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