we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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