I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
