If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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