just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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