All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
