Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
