I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
