I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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