We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
