I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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