the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
