Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
