i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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