Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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