I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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