the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
