Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
