I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
