I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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