Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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