Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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