My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Betty ford says i'm here all night
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
