My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
