dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
