I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
