i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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