My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
