cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
