Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
