you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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