I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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