and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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