So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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