Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
