How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize