my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
