She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm bleeding and have questions
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
