So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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