Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
