I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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