My sheets look like a crime scene.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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