There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
